My Coming Out

Last night I slept extremely well.  I’ve always taken pride in my ability to sleep.  I never understood insomnia.  But when my restlessness started 5 months ago, I didn’t sleep well for the first time.  I always felt wide awake.  I could rarely sleep more than 8 hours, even on Saturday, my traditional day of too much sleep.  Hopefully the need for less sleep is a sign of how passionate I am about my project.  Or maybe I am just getting old.

Oddly, I’m just as productive as ever at work without being frustrated or unhappy.  Maybe my problem was taking my work too seriously, but I’m not going to apologize for caring.  When I started, I was so productive my nickname in the office was ‘the flash’.  I was shocked by how unproductive my older coworkers were.  And I was shocked by how closed off people were to each other.  My policy was always to help everyone; that way, when you needed help, you would find people eager to return the favor.  Yet most didn’t operate that way.  During four years, I found myself becoming more and more like the others I didn’t understand when I started.  I pushed back on requests, I did the bare minimum.  My work was uninspired.  This is a primary reason why I had to leave corporate America.

I went to my second therapy session today.  With my decision made up, the focus was on what I am trying to achieve by starting my own company.  It seems my goal is simple: to become myself.  As a child, I was always very attached to my parents and stuck close to home.  I’ve always felt different from everyone else.  I’m trying to find my voice and be who I am, and for me a startup feels like the right outlet.  I was talking about how my Mother divorced my father when it was against everyone’s expectations.  Many years later, my father came out of the closet.  In a way, this startup is my coming out.  I wonder if everyone’s life has an event like this, where the individual has to finally go against what people expect of them based on their own instinct.

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